To be honest, I was still somewhat soured by my first experience, where I wrote what I thought was a good story that placed highly with the judges, but didn't realize the popular vote aspect counted as much and completely missed when it started and ended. So as a result I wasn't in the mood to put the same kind of effort in on this one as I did on the first. (I nearly forgot to write anything!) When I did finally sit down and put the elements together, and came up with the following story:
Tap Cat
I preferred the dance studio late at night. With only a few lights on and the windows open to let in the cooler air from outside, the sound from my shoes was like sending out pure energy into the night. I was pausing to catch my breath after a run-through of an old Gene Kelly routine, sans sailor suit and cartoon mouse, when I heard an echo of tap shoes filter in through the window.
The alley between the studio and the garage next door was quiet and dark as I leaned out the window for a look. I shrugged and came back inside. Then I heard a thump against the wall at the other window. The next thing I knew there was a miniature tiger perched on the sill!
This was no ordinary tiger, either. It was made up of clockwork and gears and chrome, with a faint steam rising up from somewhere inside it. It hopped down onto the wooden floor, its shiny nails making a metallic click with every step. As it moved, I could hear a whirring of gears. It stopped and looked up at me from a few feet away, its head barely as tall as my knee. While it sat motionless I thought I heard the ticking of a clock. After a moment, I took a couple steps toward it, my shoes clicking on the wood. It looked down at my feet, bobbing its head with my steps.
I tapped out a quick rhythm while it watched. It seemed to understand, and tapped out the same rhythm in return, using all four feet. I tried another rhythm, faster, more complex. It copied me exactly. Before I knew it we were dancing all around the studio together!
At the end of the dance, it looked at me and opened its mouth, sounding like a squeaky hinge. “Are you thirsty?” A quick glance around the studio told me I only had a half can of flat Dr. Pepper sitting neglected in the corner.
I went through the door to the vending machine in the hallway, and the cat followed. I pushed a fiver into the slot. When the machine whirred, the tiger watched, transfixed. I pushed the button for Soylent™ and the machine did its own little dance delivering a can. When I pulled the can from the machine, the tiger leapt up and snatched it out of my hand, biting holes and squirting all over the floor. Then it gulped the can down, ran back into the studio and left through the window again…
“You know what?” she said, narrowing her eyes. “I don’t care how the spill happened as long as you clean it up. But you could at least tell me the truth.”
She turned and left, her high heels clicking on the floor. Through the open window, I heard a rhythmic, tapping response in the alleyway.
The four judges ranked me as #1, #1, #2 and #3, and I got second in the popular vote for 11 points (lower is better). I won! The second place story got first in the popular vote, but slightly lower scores from the judges.
The feedback I got was:
I liked this one a lot. However, I had a little problem with the transition at the end. I think a mark like a "* * *" would have helped to signal a new scene in a perfectly appropriate way. Without it, I was like "huh? Was someone else here the whole time?" and it was distracting and pulled me out of the story.In my defense, there is an ellipsis before the shift, but I guess it needed a little more. You could interpret it as someone being there the whole time, and the one telling the story is telling it to her. All in all, though, a pretty successful story.
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