December Reading

It's been pretty slow lately for reading for me. I did finish the book of a friend of mine, titled "The Days of Wine and Chaos." I can't wait to talk with him about it. I also finished Generation Exodus, the book I wrote for National Novel Writing Month in 2015. I only found a dozen typos and one small formatting problem, which I fixed and re-uploaded to CreateSpace.

The Acknowledgements for Generation Exodus amuse me: "Alf, Thomas A. Anderson, Jessica, Arthur Dent, Gwen DiMarco, Dr. Durand Durand, Colette Ferro, Gizmo, Rebecca Jorden, James T. Kirk, David Levinson, Dave Lister, Ian Malcom (did I already mention him?), Marvin, Jason Nesmith, Jean-Luc Picard, Roger Rabbit, Arnold Rimmer, T-800, Eddie Valiant, and Yoda." Jessica is my partner in crime/life. Roger Rabbit and Eddie Valiant are our kitties. The rest are fictional characters. (Do you know them all?)

Now I'm on to find the next book to read.

October Films

In the month of October, as part of No Zombies Productions, we did two short films. The first, The Courtship of Eddie, won for Best Use of Line of Dialogue. The second was for our horror practice. Here are links to the films:

The Courtship of Eddie

Halfway Home

The Reel Stuff - reading

Finished "The Reel Stuff" anthology. This includes stories from Philip K. Dick, William Gibson, Clive Barker, George R. R. Martin, and many more. There are definitely mixed reviews out there about what is in this book, but for my opinion, you'll find something you like in here. My favorite was The Sandkings by George R. R. Martin. He has two in here, and in each, there are a lot of characters dying. Other stories include those that inspired Enemy Mine, Johnny Mnemonic, Minority Report, Millennium, and more. You won't be disappointed.

Flash Forward - reading

Finished "Flash Forward" by Robert J. Sawyer. Let me preface this by saying I haven't seen the series. It's a neat premise that would have made a good short story. It seemed like the novel needed something more to it. The ending was good at least.

Jupiter - reading

Finished "Jupiter" by Ben Bova. Coincidentally, XKCD just posted a topical "What If..." On the suspension of disbelief, you have to accept that they sent a manned spacecraft into the seas of Jupiter with the expectation that it would be capable of returning.

In general it was a decent story with long lulls in the action. Once things started happening it was much better of course. And the end of the story was alright, though I think the author understated the likely tensions there would have been.

Rewrite - reading

Finished "Rewrite" by Paul Chitlik." It's a decent book with two nits I need to pick.

The first is how much the author harps on using the right word. You have to know the difference among "their," "they're," and "there." Sure, true enough. And that applies to lots of words. But then the author misses the difference between "waiver" and "waver." I really thought he was going to show how he caught that little error to see if anyone reading was paying attention, but there it is in both the before (p. 91) and after (p. 98) scripts: "Raffi and Kathy waiver." As in, waiving a right or claim. No, they're vacillating.

The second is how many times he happens to recommend books that just happen to be from Michael Wiese Productions. Sure, he lists other books as well, but he starts to become a shill in my mind.

All in all, though, not a bad read. There is some good information in here. Plus it's short.

What Time There Is

We just wrapped on “…What Time There Is” (video below) and what better title to emphasize just how small 48 hours can be! This was our last practice before the 48 Hour Film Project (happening on July 31st-August 2nd), and our first road movie. There is so much to learn!

Road movie was a somewhat deliberate choice on our part. We wanted something that was not among the main genres for 2015 (and wasn’t Fable), but could still challenge us in new and exciting ways. And we were definitely challenged! Do you know how hard it is to film in a car driving down the road? We’ve got an inkling now!

Our cast and crew were amazing all weekend. We got to borrow two different houses and one Mercedes this time around, and shared the weekend with lots of energetic, creative folks. We couldn’t have done it without them!

In case you’re wondering, the title comes from For Whom The Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemingway. Our main character was reading this at the start of the video. On set, he opened to a random page and found the quote:

“But in the meantime all the life you have or ever will have is today, tonight, tomorrow, today, tonight, tomorrow, over and over again (I hope), he thought and so you had better take what time there is and be very thankful for it.”

With that in mind, here is what we wrote Friday, shot Saturday, and edited and posted today. After you watch it, you’ll know how appropriate it was to finish this on Father’s Day:

Following the First Star - reading - again

Finished "Following the First Star" by me. This is becoming my most read book, often for reasons other than just reading the book. I re-read it when I got the printed copy. I re-read it when I wrote "A Sky of Stars." I re-read it when I wrote "A Sky of Stone." I re-read it this time because I'm thinking seriously about revising it again.

Show, don't tell. That's the biggest downfall of this book. I'm telling you too much and showing you too little. If I were to reverse that trend, the book would be significantly more enjoyable, and possibly a bit longer as well. As it is, though, it is a quick read.

Point of view is probably the second biggest thing to fix. There are places where I the reader am not sure what's happening because I the writer changed perspective.

There are a handful of missed/misspelled/weasel words, too, but that's a minor problem.

Lots of words. Lots of revisions. I'm feeling a bit daunted.

Save the Cat - reading

Finished "Save the Cat!: The Last Book on Screenwriting You'll Ever Need" by Blake Snyder. As a relative novice to screenwriting, I thought the advice in this book was really good, and although it speaks to a fairly rigid formula, this is about what I was looking for when I read "Screenwriting for Dummies." Maybe Save the Cat will hold up once I'm more experienced, I don't know. Ask me in a couple years. On the bright side, it's a super-quick read and has exercises in it that you can do with just about any script to improve it and the things that go along with it. On the down side, I thought Memento was a fantastic movie.

Now I Believe

I made it to the finals in The Iron Writer, and was greeted with the following elements:

A person born with red eyes
A poison dart frog
Pukwudgies
Three Stooges Happy Birthday Song

Here is the story I submitted, followed by the results and feedback.

Now I Believe

I heard the stories growing up, but if I believed them, I might have reached Hartford that day. I was in my Ford F-150, driving 75 miles an hour down I-91. The morning sun climbed the eastern sky, but I was already tired. I checked my eyes in the rear-view. They were red, as they have been since birth, but they were bloodshot, too.

When I looked back at the road, I was bearing down on some unfortunate blur of a creature. A porcupine? I had the vague notion of hoping it wouldn’t pop my tires. I expected to hear the impact any moment. Instead I was plunged into darkness and quiet. I rubbed my eyes and felt cold, worn stone instead of the warm, comfortable seats of my F-150.

“Wee baaaked yoooou aaaaaaaa birrrrrrrrrrthdaaaaay caaaaaaake…”

The high-pitched, sing-song voice echoed around me. I opened my eyes in time to catch motion to one side. I turned to see a little human figure with faintly glowing gray skin. He stood next to a table, on which was the small birthday cake he sang about.

“Iiiif yoooou geeeet aaaa tummmmmmmy aaaaaaache…”

The song went on in that high, childlike voice as he pushed narrow sticks into the cake. With the ring of sticks in place, he lifted the cake from the table and carried it toward me. Without even the slightest gesture, the tip of each stick sparked into candle flame.

“Aaaaaaand yoooou mooooooooooan aaaaaaaand grooooooooan innnnnnn woooooooe…”

My eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. He was close now, but only three feet tall, proportioned like a man, not a dwarf. He held the cake in front of me. The candles ringed a colorful black and yellow frog, a poisonous dart, its back glistening in the flickering candlelight.

“Dooooon’t foooorrrrrgeeeeeeeeet weeeeeeeee toooooooooold yoooou soooooooooo.”

The frog hopped away leaving a vacant, frog-butt-shaped space in the icing. The little man stared into my eyes over the burning candle sticks. As I watched, his eyes went from a menacing black to the same red color of mine, standing out against the gray of his skin.

“Maaake aaa wiiiish, deeeear, aaaand blooooow ooooout the caaaandlesssssss.”

The sibilant final word caught me up in the strange moment. I took in a deep breath to blow out the candles and was flooded with a memory from childhood. I had heard this song before! It was from an old Three Stooges routine, when television was black and white.

I released my held breath, blowing across the sticks, and everything changed. I was back in my truck. My eyes were filled with the bright light of morning; my ears heard shattering glass and crunching metal all around. The cake was suddenly my truck’s airbag exploding in my face. I was launching forward into it as my truck’s hood crumpled into the back of a tractor-trailer!

I told the State Trooper I was texting and driving, but this was one of many accidents along this stretch of highway the locals attributed to the Pukwudgie. Each year more knew of, and believed in, these dangerous tricksters. I didn’t believe before, but I do now!

 

Now for the feedback:

Judge 1

Story Arc 4 (If I could make this 4.9 I would)
Use of Elements 5
Grammar/Spelling 5

Possibly best use of elements, mixing the birthday song with an exploding cake that injures the driver. I liked the sibilant voice.

The ending was the single weak point for me. Not that every character needs to die, they don't. I simply enjoyed the other endings better. The ending made sense but was not as strong as "From the Journal" for me. It came down to a personal preference.

Judge 2

Story Arc – 4
Elements – 4
Grammar/Spelling – 4

No problems with the grammar or story, though I wasn’t particularly enthralled with either. Fantasy and magic is an ‘easy street’ and I also wasn’t taken by it that much. I had trouble connecting the main character with the element ‘person born with red eyes’. If someone had red eyes, they would’ve had problems integrating with society as a whole and this character felt too straight forward for that.

Judge 3

Well written, good flow to the story.

Story Arc 5
Use of Elements 5
Grammar/Spelling 5

 

Overall I came in second, which is pretty good in my opinion given that this was the finals for the year. It was quite enjoyable, though I think my time with the Iron Writers is at an end for now. It's not because of the judges, the challenges, the feedback, any of that. It's because the organizer decided to go with 100% popular vote to determine a winner, and I don't feel like bothering my Facebook friends that much. I also think the popular vote has nothing to do with the quality of the story, whereas with judges, there is at least some relationship between them.

On the other hand, one of the judges for this contest said "magic" (and fantasy) is an 'easy street' in a challenge where one of the elements wields magic. The other talked about the sibilant voice, in the sense that he liked it, but the sibilance was the last "s" on "candles" which led to the explosion. It was the fuse on the cake.

Either way, though, I think my time with The Iron Writer did improve my writing a bit, and got me to think about revising other work. More to come on that later.

Lamb - reading

Finished "Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal" by Christopher Moore. If you're anything like me, it will take you longer than you expect to finish this book. Yes, it was funny and irreverent in places, and an interesting take on the life of Christ, but it wasn't a great book. I actually put it down for a bit while I read something else, then came back to it. Not to say I didn't laugh out loud a couple times, because I did. A couple times.

Hellfire Eyes - Results and Feedback

I received feedback on my story, Hellfire Eyes, which I submitted to the Iron Writer last week. The ratings from the three judges, on a scale of 1-5 where 5 was the highest, were:

Spelling and Grammar: 4, 4, 5 (highest of contestants)
Story Arc: 4, 4, 4 (tied for highest)
Use of Elements: 3, 5, 4 (second place among contestants)
Total: 37

Dani J Caile's story Uncle Terence scored 34 points and got second place.

The feedback was:

Judge One:

Grammar: 5 - No problems here, from what I saw.

Use of Elements: 4 - Plutonium by nature is radioactive. By saying a plutonium-crafted weapon is on display in a museum pulls the reader out of the story. But

Story arc: 4 - The end of the story seemed rushed, but there was a definite arc.

Judge Two:

I wish the author provided more specific ages of the main character at the different points in the story before the MC was an adult. 

I really liked the twist at the end. I didn't see it coming

Judge Three:

Interesting but dry narrative. Good grammar and flow

Good description of elements but the elements were not integral to story, except astigmatism.

It's hard to tell, but it looks like Judge One's feedback was cut off or incomplete. They also said there was a solid plutonium weapon on display, thinking it's dangerous. I wasn't saying there was a plutonium halberd on display, just that the main character's perception turned it into such. To quote the story, "making it seem as though it was cast of solid plutonium." (Should that have been "were" for subjunctive?) But it's fine. Getting feedback is better than no feedback and no clue where the ratings came from.

Thanks to the judges for their efforts, and the other worthy contestants who wrote strong stories!

Hellfire Eyes

About two weeks after Artemis Returns, I was pulled into The Iron Writer again. This time it was for the seasonal playoffs. Here is my piece. I don't have any feedback on it yet. The elements were: astigmatism, magma, a solid plutonium halberd, and a picture of the canals of Venice.

Hellfire Eyes

My eyes have always been a source of curiosity. Severe astigmatism plagued me from an early age, accompanied by blurry vision, frequent headaches, and lower grades. My parents would not allow modern medicine to intervene. Disease was caused by the devil, they said. Only prayer could save me. They cared about me, though, so they prayed all the time.

As a teenager, a secondary condition called phoenix crystal nucleation had taken hold. With it came the coloration seen in every science journal photograph of me - the crystalline striations of red, gold, and orange reminiscent of the legendary creature’s birth flames. Through my eyes I perceived rivers of hellfire everywhere. Where you see a street covered with gently falling rain, I see Hell’s rivers overflowing their banks, unleashing evil across the land. Where you see gondoliers on the canals of Venice, I see Charon ferrying down congealing lava flows from some unseen magma chamber below.

One year I accompanied my parents to Washington, D.C., where we visited the Smithsonian Institute for a conference of religious scholars. I still remember the Institute’s stylized yellow sun on a blue field, which could have represented God, science, art, technology, or even heraldry. An adjoining exhibit held a variety of medieval weapons recently unearthed, ironically enough, from the excavated foundation of the Center for Peace in Rouen, France. While my parents were distracted with their conference, I made my way in, careful to avoid the fountains and pools throughout. It was to no avail, though. My hellfire eyes always saw more.

At the display, the light from a bare fluorescent bulb cascaded downward over a particularly tall halberd, making it seem as though it was cast of solid plutonium. I was transfixed! I must have stared for fifteen minutes. It was while I stood there that I met acclaimed ocular surgeon Dr. Eklund. We spoke at length about science, technology, developing surgical procedures, and even theology. 

We stayed in touch. When later I became an adult he provided a comfortable place to live at his manor in Baltimore where he studied my condition and developed what we both hoped would be a cure.

On the fateful day, I was awakened early and brought by limousine to the George Washington University Hospital. A wheelchair carried me to the pre-op room where nurses transferred me to a hospital bed and prepared me for my procedure. My next stop was an impressive operating suite full of machines, monitors, and people. A gallery above was open and packed with onlookers. I envied them their ability to see from that vantage. The anesthesiologist at my side asked me to count backward from one hundred. I said a prayer to my newfound faith in science and slipped into unconsciousness.

When next I was aware of my surroundings, I could see with perfect clarity. The bright lights of the surgical suite brought out the tiniest details, from the sweat on Dr. Eklund’s brow to the frantic movement of the doctors and nurses, trying in vain to revive my body below.

---

It was about five days after submitting this story that I saw Daredevil, and the way the special effects team chose to visualize (no pun intended) the way the main character sees things around him. It was quite similar to what I described here for how my character sees things that flow in some way.

Screenwriting for Dummies - reading

Finished "Screenwriting for Dummies" by Laura Schellhardt. I went into this looking for a book that would explain the various formats used in scripts, but like many of the "for Dummies" series books, it offered so much more detail on screenwriting, constructing a story, writing dialogue, creating characters, and everything you would need to, well, write a screenplay.

In other words, it was far more than I was looking for.

As a result, I ended up skimming a couple of the later chapters, impatient to get through the book. But that's really how these books are designed - look for what you want to get out of them, and get that. It was pretty good for that, though some of the information in my version was a bit dated according to people I've talked with about screenwriting since. Then again, the edition I was reading was a little old, too. Perhaps they've updated it to keep up with changes in the industry since. One can only hope.

Rodney and Jean - 48HFPP

April 10th, 2015 was the first team practice for 48HFP. Instead of trying to create a film with two people, we had six! Let me tell you now - it makes a big difference.

On Friday all six of us got together and we got the specifics we had to work with:
Name: Rodney (male)/Ranee (female) Herring
Occupation: Tax Preparer
Prop: sandals
Line of Dialogue: How does that prove it?
Genre: Tragedy

We brainstormed several ideas, one involving a Boulderite who lost it all because of a corrupt tax preparer, a sign spinner who witnessed road rage, and a tax accountant who's too busy during tax season to recognize a romantic interest. The discussion around which direction to go went longer with six people (as expected), and we didn't share the first version of the script until 1 AM Saturday.

Five hours later we were up. We got everything ready, loaded the truck, and headed to our first location - a house in Westminster - by way of Santiago's breakfast burritos. We arrived and unloaded, then set up the first shots of the day. After that, we printed the scripts (d'oh!) and did a read-through with everyone.

Shooting continued at the house until about 4:30. In that time we did the front door, living room, office, and bathroom scenes. Then we left the house for a nearby park for one outdoor scene. Then back to the house, we loaded up and left at 6:00. By about 6:30, we arrived at our third location - Strange Grounds coffee shop on Broadway. We were here until about 7:00. Finally we went to a nearby park and recorded ADR in the truck. At 7:40 we drove back to the apartment arriving at 8:00. We ordered Chinese from Empress of China and started the edit.

On Sunday we continued editing, gathering music, fixing sound, and put together a safety at 6:00. We made a few more tweaks and had the finished product ready at 6:30 for an in-house premiere before Game of Thrones!

Here is the weekend's finished product:

If you thought that was depressing, you'll want to watch this now. On Monday we put together outtakes:

Artemis Returns

I wrote a piece for The Iron Writer again. The elements were: Artemis; A Dilettante; Jello Wrestling; A Moon Rock.

Something I remember from growing up with my sister is, "it's not Jell-O, it's Gelatin. Jell-O is a brand name." That apparently stuck with me for this round. On the other hand, I used "Spongebob."

Artemis Returns

by Brett A. Paul

Artemis made her way around the studio, taking care not to step on any of the piles of discarded clothes and trash. Her flowing robes snagged the corner of a pizza box, pulling it open to reveal sickly-colored crusts. She exhaled in disgust, tugged her robes free, and positioned her bow tight to her body.

She paused to look at sketches tacked to the wall at odd angles. There were women in various states of undress, with blotches of blue and red haphazardly applied.

“These are terrible,” she said, glancing up at the ceiling. “You want me to play muse to a hopeless dilettante? How am I to do that?”

Over the insubstantial blare of distant drunken cheering, she heard the hollow sound of an empty can bouncing off the wooden floor in another part of the apartment. She sighed and headed down the apartment hallway toward the sound.

Though the studio she left was well lit, the rest of the apartment was in shadows. In the living room she located the source of the noise: the television. Here it was unbearably loud, the drunken cheering joined by distorted club music. Light from the idiot box flickered across the living room, and across the man sitting on the couch, alone, watching intently. He gulped from a can of beer, belched loudly, and cheered, vicariously joining the scene.

Artemis stepped into the room unseen, and crossed to see what was so enthralling. On the screen, the camera panned across the crowd of drunken revelers, then focused on two scantily-clad women in an inflatable pool filled with red and blue gelatinous chunks. They wrestled awkwardly against each other. Artemis turned away, disappointment showing deeply.

“Is this pale imitation of a man why you sent me here? If I am to be his muse, this will take something extreme.”

With an arm reached skyward, Artemis concentrated. “Stone of Luna, come to me!” Light flickered at her palm, and she closed her hand around a summoned stone. From her belt she withdrew a sling, loaded the moon rock into it and spun it at incredible speed. With one last glance at the waste of meat and his drunken half smile, she loosed the stone and destroyed the television.

Sparks exploded out from the pulverized electronics. A buzz built up, culminating in a pop, and the room went dark. The man stood up from the couch, unable to comprehend what had just transpired. Into the silence, Artemis giggled at his Spongebob boxers. He spun around, trying to take in the whole room at once, trying to make some sense of what just happened. He looked near her, through her, but she was invisible to him. Then as though waking from a dream, he seemed to see the state of his apartment for the first time. He picked up the empty beer can and took it into the kitchen.

“Remind me never to kill your prize buck again, father,” said Artemis, looking up once more.

Zeus's face appeared above her. He smiled, nodded, and vanished.

---

The feedback I received is:
1) Great story – Overall, I can feel the depth of disbelief Artemis is feeling with her current assignment. Well put together. Excellent visuals in the apartment and the jello wrestling television program.

2) I didn’t get this story at all. There were a lot of repetitive words, and I just didn’t feel like the story made any sense. The elements were all used, the language was okay, but the repetitive words stuck out, the characters were likable enough, but Artemis wasn’t really a muse, and she was the protector of deer so, the comment at the end about her killing her father’s prize buck, didn’t gel. Your imagery was well done; I could picture myself in the room with Artemis and the man at the television. I didn’t really feel there was a beginning, middle and end in this one… it kind of fell flat for me.

3) Good use of elements. Integral to the story. Good flow and fun to read.

Evolution of Budget Cuts

The rough: It's actually a little extra-rough going back and watching this version.


The semi-final: Still no audio clean-up.


The final: Not bad!

Obama Poem - The Iron Writer quickie

There was a quick challenge on The Iron Writer to write a poem about Obama including the words Mars, Insurance, "Grey Matter" and "Chunky Chocolate Chips." Here's my entry, written over lunch:

Going to Mars, yes we can
We have the grey matter
Let us all fund NASA’s plan
Their budget’s been flatter

Never been this far in space
Here we all are rookies
I like chunky chocolate chips
When it comes to cookies

There will be guitars on Mars
You have my assurance
USPS ships them out
Buy the right insurance

Hope you like my new campaign
Taking us to space now
Bade bade deshon mein
You know what I mean. Ciao!

Budget Cuts - 48HFP Practice

Third time's the charm, right?

Last weekend, we scheduled our 48 Hour Film Project practice session. What we didn't count on was that mother nature also scheduled a blizzard for that weekend! Rather than waste a good practice weekend (we only have a couple left between now and the actual event), we decided to take a different attitude:



At 7:00 Friday we hit my 48HFP Test Script Generator and it gave us the following specifics:
Name: Michel / Marina Donahue
Occupation: Cost Analysis Engineer
Prop: a gate
Line of Dialogue: "The future will be better tomorrow"
Genre: Dark Comedy

Dark Comedy is one of those genres we're not at all confident with. All the more reason to practice with it, right? We noodled with it a bit and came up with a cost analysis engineer making budget cuts that affect veterans.

We got a script written that was right around 8 pages long, which is obviously too long for a 4-7 minute short. We made a copy of it and went through ripping things out left and right, but keeping the story intact as much as possible. Then we decided to keep the shorter script. Here it is:

Modern day Denver
Vicki is just arriving home after getting out of the military.

EXT. BUS STATION - DAY
VICKI steps off the bus wearing fatigues, carrying her duffel bag on her back.

EXT. PEDESTRIAN BRIDGE - DAY
Vicki crosses the bridge.

EXT. APARTMENT GATE - DAY
Vicki passes through the apartment gate. Apartment buildings are seen in the background.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Vicki comes home to an empty apartment. A pile of letters sit on the kitchen counter. She sighs, shrugs out of her duffel bag with some discomfort, and drops her duffel as her phone dings.

Insert: Text Message: Sorry I didn't pick you up. Welcome back! We need to talk. I've fallen for someone else.

VICKI
No need to talk. Go suck a dick.

Insert: Text Message: About that...His name is Clyde.

VICKI
Are you kidding me!?

She throws her phone onto the couch.

VICKI
Asshole. I dodged that bullet.

Vicki flips through the stack of letters. Most of the mail is junk, but a few official letters stand out. She opens one.

Insert: Reference letter #1

VICKI
Is this a joke?

Vicki opens another letter.

Insert: Reference letter #1 again

VICKI
This can't be right.

Vicki opens the next letter.

Insert: Reference letter #2

Vicki opens several more letters, each repeating the same standard message. Each is signed by M. Donahue.

VICKI
No no no no no. This is a mistake.

Vicki calls the Transition Assistance Office. She hits several buttons to get through the automated message. While navigating the menu, she shifts position in the kitchen.

VICKI
Vicki Delgado.
(beat)
I just got back. I have some letters.
(beat)
My medical benefits were revoked and my pension was cut. Is this a joke?
(beat)
What do I do next?
(beat)
Sit tight? What do you mean, "sit tight?"
(beat)
You already transferred me to that department.
(beat)
I was shot! You could get a real person to help me.
(beat)
I would love to calm down, but you're not making it easy.
(beat)
Yeah, well, I hope you stub your toe.

Vicki hangs up.

INT. VICKI'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Vicki is on her laptop looking up M. Donahue on the internet. She pulls up images and his work location. She writes down the address.

EXT. TALL OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
A tall office building is shown.

EXT. TRANSITION OFFICES HALLWAY - DAY
Vicki waits in the office hallway. MICHEL DONAHUE enters.

MICHEL
Hi, Vicki?

VICKI
Yes. Nice to meet you, sir.

MICHEL
Please it's Michel.

Michel directs Vicki to his office.

VICKI
I received several letters. I think by mistake.

Vicki and Michel disappear behind a door.

INT. MICHEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Michel shuts his office door and sits at his desk.

MICHEL
I hear you. Budget cuts. There's nothing we can do. My cost analysis shows that this is the best way to-

VICKI
Treat your veterans? I assure you, it's not.

MICHEL
We have a few things lined up for you, interviews, meetings. If you could just...

MICHEL/VICKI (Together)
Sit tight.

VICKI
Got it.

MICHEL
Have some water. The future will be better tomorrow.

Michel hands Vicki a water bottle.

INT. CAR - DAY
Vicki drinks from the water bottle. Michel crosses the road in front of her. She drives at him. He bounces off the front of the car and she drives over him.

INT. CAR - DAY
Vicki scratches out the idea of hit by a car and writes: "Witnesses??"

INT. MAIL ROOM - DAY
Strangling - Apartment mail room - Starred on pad

EXT. BIG LOTS - DAY
Shot - Airsoft - behind big lots - "Cost analysis - expensive"

EXT. BUS TERMINAL - DAY
Pushing in front of bus - Bus scene - "More witnesses??"

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Poison bottled water - Office - "Where to get poison?"
Stabbing - in office - Starred on pad - circles it

INT. MICHEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Vicki stalks Michel into his office. As he is entering the room with his back turned, he sees Vicki's reflection wielding a knife and spins around.

MICHEL
Whoa! Hey there! Whoa! Can we talk about this?

VICKI
Talk is cheap. It fits into your cost analysis.

MICHEL
I'm serious! We'll get you fixed right up!

VICKI
Today?

MICHEL
This minute.

VICKI
You turn me in, I'll give you a budget cut you'll never forget.

Vicki brandishes the knife at him.

Michel gulps and types on his computer. He changes her status from "inactive" to "active." A different military member gets status changed from "active" to "inactive."

MICHEL
There. All fixed.

VICKI
Thank you. Was that so hard?

INT. APARTMENT - DAY
There's a knock at the door. Vicki answers. We don't see the courier. She takes the letter. "Deployment Orders" is printed across the envelope.

VICKI
Son of a bi-

Cut to black

EXT. BUS STATION - DAY
Vicki gets back on the bus, dressed in fatigues, carrying her duffel bag.

INT. MICHEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Michel is shown murdered- stabbed

 For anyone who's stuck with it this far, here's the final video we shot:



There were many things we liked about this one:

• The first is that we shared it on Facebook! This is a huge step forward as we're willing to let people see what we've put together. The first attempt (Sycamore) was almost totally private. And terrible. The second (Shiny Side Up) was shared with a very select, small audience. 
• I mentioned getting the script down to five pages before we started. 
• Our over-the-shoulder shots looked a lot better than the conversation we included in Shiny Side Up. 
• The drive-by scene timing was perfect. 
• There's more motion in the camera this time, and our composition has improved. 
• The foley on the walk over the bridge (mostly muted in the final version) was good. 
• Although I didn't like the reason we had to do it, I liked the editing to mask the second text message to get a shot of just the first one. 
• This also included our first attempt at ADR dialogue ("Hi, Vicky? Please, it's Michel.")

What didn't go well:

• We used 8 locations
• It took 54 hours to get to the final
• We could have done the bus logistics better
• Our food plan wasn't the best
• The snowstorm really slowed us down. Did I mention 8 locations?
• We were still filming scenes Sunday morning, which cut into our editing time.
• We're still looking for a good solution to the audio issues. We basically need someone holding a boom pole to get the mic in place.

All in all, we were pretty pleased with the outcome. Looking forward to the next one. Hopefully there will be more than the two of us at that one.

HE, DID - The Iron Writer

Here's my submission to The Iron Writer. The elements were 1) frozen Venice, 2) a lame llama, 3) a straight jacket, and 4) settling a grudge via a thumb war.

HE, DID
by Brett A. Paul

“He really is the most amazing specimen you’ll see,” the nurse told me as we walked down the sterile hospital corridor toward the psychiatric ward.

“Let’s refer to him as the patient, please.”

“Sorry, doctor. His main personality and his alters talk with each other out loud. It’s eerie.”

We stopped in front of a door labeled “SAFE ROOM 1.” Below the label was a whiteboard with the name “Herman Engalls” scrawled on it. Above the label was a window that she unlatched and slid open, giving us a view into Herman’s padded cell.

The patient sat in the corner, wrapped in a straight jacket. He was bald, though looked young, perhaps twenty. Dark circles settled under each eye, and a scar crossed the bridge of his nose. He seemed to be having a conversation. I turned my head to listen.

In a high-pitched falsetto, he said, “Look at frozen Venice. Isn’t that amazing?” His eyes crossed a moment, as though looking at something held in right front of his face.

“That picture is a hoax!” he said in a deep voice. “The ice is from Russia and you know it!” This was the voice I would have expected from the man. He carried on, alternating between the voices.

“Liar! Your llama is lame!”

“You leave my lame llama alone!” He began to rock softly back and forth.

“Lame llama!”

“At least my llama is real!” He twisted against his bonds, then settled back against the wall again.

“But he’s laaaaaame!”

“You two shut up!” yelled an entirely different voice, his face contorted with anger. The scar flared an angry white.

Then his face relaxed and his breathing leveled out. The falsetto returned. “I know how to settle this.”

“I know what you’re going to say. If I win, you don’t get to talk about my llama.”

“Okay! One, two, three, four,” said the falsetto.

“I declare a thumb war!” answered the man’s voice.

The straight jacket began to wiggle on both sides, just under his elbows, where his thumbs were covered by canvas.

The nurse slid the window closed and looked at me. I met her eyes. “We’ve got a long way to go to get the personalities to trust each other,” I said. I took a deep breath and let it out. “Let me in, please.”


The story won second place, with feedback that I used the elements well, and criticism that I didn't use the 525 word allotment more fully. I can live with that.

Symphonium - 48 HFP Practice

This was a spur-of-the-moment writing session. We went out of our way to find a genre we didn't feel comfortable with, and ended up with Silent Film. We only gave ourselves 90 minutes, and hit it pretty close to on-time. 

The specifics we got really didn't speak to us (aside from the obvious disconnect between a music box and a silent film), but we ended up with something we'd like to play around with for practice. Maybe with some feedback it will turn into something decent.

Your 48HFP Trial has the following specifics:

Name: Burt / Becky Carino

Occupation: Surgeon

Prop: a music-box

Line of Dialogue: Some get wetter, some get drier.

Genre: Silent Film*

Logline: A man and woman are in love, but when problems arise, the music box takes the fall. - Symphonium

Linear storyline

He walks past a sign at a dry cleaners (Some get wetter, some get dryer)

After that he sees the tinkerer’s shop

    music box in the window looks at him

He gives her a music box; it has a picture in it of them

• she adores it

Day in the life

• perspective of music box
• working out
• vacuuming
• party/showing it to friends

Middle

Music box gets broken during an argument

They break up because of the argument

End

He arrives with flowers; finds the music box in the trash

He fixes the music box, places it at her front door

She catches him, sees it, adores it again.

They kiss and make up.

The script follows.

-----

FADE IN

EXT. ALL IN GOOD TIME TINKER SHOP - DAY

A music box sits in the window.

Slow pull back from the music box.

EXT. BUSY SIDEWALK - DAY

The sound of cars honking and buses of a busy street dance around Adrian. Adrian walks along a busy sidewalk with a cup of coffee in his hand. A chalkboard easel comes into view. It reads:

“Some get wetter, some get drier” an arrow points to the dry cleaners.

Adrian chuckles and starts to walk by. The Dry Cleaner stands in the door frame and beckons him to get his coat cleaned. Adrian passes on the offer. The Dry Cleaner pulls his arm, Adrian passes. The Dry Cleaner pulls his arm again spilling coffee on his jacket. The Dry Cleaner motions for him to get his jacket cleaned. Adrian scrunches his face at the Dry Cleaner and walks on brushing off the coffee.

He sees the other side of the easel. It reads:

“I fix your things” an arrow points to the “All in Good Time” tinker shop.

Adrian continues to walk on when something catches him from the corner of his eye. He turns and stares into the shop.

INT. MUSIC SHOP - DAY

Music Box POV: We see Adrian staring at the music box and the street behind him. He walks into the shop and out of frame. The street is busy with passersby. A BELL rings as he opens the door. A CASH REGISTER dings as he pays.

Music Box POV: Music box gets wrapped in paper and put inside a bag - Cut to Black.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mary unwraps the music box.

Music plays.

Mary places the music box next to a candle, funeral program, and picture of her father (the surgeon) in a doctor’s coat (or a close friend). The funeral program reads:

“In Loving Memory: Dr. Burt Carino”

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: The couple do yoga side by side.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: The couple has friends over for board games.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: The couple gets close to each other and run off screen.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: Mary rolls her eyes at Adrian.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Music Box POV: The couple dance with candlelight around them in nice formal clothing.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: Couple and friends bring in boxes.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: The couple do yoga side by side.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: The couple eat on the couch.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: The couple gets close to each other and run off screen.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: The couple eat on the couch.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Music Box POV: Couple sit on either side of the couch. Arms folded and not talking.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Music Box POV: The couple yells at one another. Arms shoot up in the air. Adrian knocks the music box from its perch, shattering it on the ground.

Mary’s eyes well with tears as she yells “GET OUT!” She crumples to the floor next to the music box. The front door shuts.

EXT. MARY’S FRONT YARD - DAY

Adrian arrives at Mary’s house with flowers in hand. On the way from the car to her door he passes by the trash, at the top of which is the broken music box. Adrian takes the broken music box and flowers, gets back in his car and leaves.

INT. ALL IN GOOD TIME TINKER SHOP - DAY

Adrian enters the shop. In his hands he carefully carries the broken music box.

INT. ALL IN GOOD TIME TINKER SHOP - DAY

Adrian converses with the tinker. He mimes the argument that caused the music box to break. The tinker takes the broken music box, nodding with understanding.

EXT. ALL IN GOOD TIME TINKER SHOP - DAY

Adrian paces like an expectant father. After some time, the tinkerer comes out and beckons him inside.

The music box music begins again without distortion.

INT. ALL IN GOOD TIME TINKER SHOP - DAY

The music box is fixed. Adrian tries to pay the tinker, but he refuses the money.

EXT. MARY’S FRONT DOOR - DAY

Adrian knocks on the front door. Mary answers with a sour look on her face. He presents her with the repaired music box. Kiss and make up.

INT. MARY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

See the couple dancing in the living room to the music box’s music.

SLOW PUSH INTO MUSIC BOX

ROLL CREDITS

First read through: 4:10

The Blind Leading the Blind - 48HFP Practice

On January 17th, Jess and I decided to do another script writing challenge for 48 Hour Film Project practice. Our trial had the following specifics:

Name: Kasey (male) / Karan (female) Troutman

Occupation: Nuclear Engineer

Prop: Lemons

Line of Dialogue: Moscow is a dirty place.

Genre: Comedy

We came up with a loose plot:

The main character is lonely. His sister is getting married and wants to make sure he doesn’t show up stag. For both reasons, he has agreed to go on dates to find a potential companion. He stands up the first blind date, putting his sister on edge. He is in danger of upsetting their nuclear family.  His best bud, a known womanizer, convinces him to attend a speed dating event in hopes of finding a date. He doesn’t find anyone. They’re all awful and not right for him. His sister makes him pick up her friend for the wedding - the one he stood up but he doesn’t know it. She turns out to be lovely and just what he’s looking for. (She can even mention she’s glad he’s not like this jerk who stood her up.) New girl is a veterinarian. He’s a dog walker. They hit it off.

Scenes:

• Apartment or car or office, on phone - Adam on phone with his sister talking about how she wants him to not show up alone to her wedding, and that she had set him up on a blind date but he didn’t show. (“That’s not how I get to know people.” “Well, how would you know how to meet people? All you do is ”)
• Restaurant - Scene with his buddy setting him up for speed dating; Same restaurant - Speed dating scene - goes through several speed date encounters, various cover stories
• Same as first scene - Adam on phone with sister again, being asked to pick up her friend for the big day
• Car - Picking up the friend for the big day, hitting it off, indirect reveal that she’s the blind date (not to her)

The script follows:

THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Adam is talking on a PHONE, standing next to his DESK. We hear only his side of the conversation, with brief pauses between.

Adam:

(Impatient)

No. No blind dates. No fixing me up.

Adam’s face looks pained. He holds the phone at arms length while his sister berates him. Then he brings the phone to his ear.

Adam:

Yes. I’m an ass because she had to eat lunch by herself.

Adam:

People go to weddings alone all the time. It’s not the end of the world.

Adam:

You sure it’s the only time? Half of all weddings end in divorce.

Adam:

(Bordering on angry)

Whatever. Have a nice bachelorette party.

Adam hangs up the PHONE and sighs heavily. The phone rings again.

Adam:

(Angry)

What?!

Adam:

(Really friendly)

Oh, hey, man! What’s up?

Adam:

(continues friendly)

Yeah, wings, beer, trivia. What’s not to like? See you tonight!

Adam hangs up the phone again, putting it in his pocket.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Adam and best friend sit in a booth at a hip downtown bar having buffalo wings and drinks. Place gets crowded around them.  

Mike:

I’m telling you, dog walking business is going to get you so much tail!

Adam:

(Gulping down beer)

That’s gross. No, not the beer.

Mike:

Lady tail, not dog tail. Ladies love a man who’s good with animals. Maybe I could come by, help you out from time to time.

Adam:

Sure. Like when I’m lava surfing in Argentina or sky diving in Peru.

Mike:

    Hell yes. If you die, can I get your shit? Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.

Mike gets up from table. Crowd fills in the restaurant. Adam receives a text from sister:

Text:

Need you to pick up boutonnieres Saturday morning.

Mike comes back.

Adam:

That was fast. Did you forget to shake it?

Mike:

I never forget to shake it.

Speed Dating Emcee:

(over microphone)

Hi everyone! What a great night to meet some great people. Am I right?

Adam:

What’re we doing here?

Mike:

Getting you a date.

Adam (CU)

(face frozen in shock)

Mike:

I know what you’re thinking.

Adam:

How?

Mike:

It’s time to get back on the horse.

Adam:

No. No. No. No.

Mike:

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Adam:

No. No. No.

Mike:

Yes. Yes.

Adam:

No.

Mike:

YES! C’mon son!

Hot woman walks up to the table.

HOT WOMAN:

Hi! I’m a little nervous. This is my first speed date. Are you guys doing this too?

Mike and Adam:

Yes.

HOT WOMAN:

Great. Hope to see you out there.

Hot woman walks away.

Mike:

And you doubted me.

(Clicks tongue)

Mike holds name tag sticker out. Adam grabs it.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Adam sits at a table for two sipping his BEER. Main emcee Table is next to him. BELL dings. Michelle sits down at the table opposite from him.

   

Michelle:

Hi there. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Adam:

Well, I’m not sure why I’m here. My friend kind of dragged me into this and my sister wants me to find a date for her wedding.

Michelle:

(unenthusiastically)

How nice.

Joanne sits opposite of him. All business

Joanne:

I like water skiing, biking and horses. I work as an analyst for an IT Firm. I’ve just recently moved here and I’m looking to meet new people.

Adam:

That sounds exhausting. I like to play video games and cry my loneliness into buckets of popcorn.  

Wendy sits opposite of him.

Wendy:

So, John, you’re a good-looking fellow. Why are you here?

Adam:

(rapid-talking auctioneer)

Well, when I was 12 years old I had my first kiss behind the barn with a thirteen year old. After that I had a few different girlfriends in high school then I went to college where I met the woman who broke my heart nine different ways from Sunday. I dropped out of college and decided to work in an office part time while I got my dog walking business off the ground. Now my sister wants me to find a date for her wedding and my best friend thought it’d be a good idea to do that here. How do you do?

Wendy:

Um… what?

Sarah sits opposite of him. Goth. She has blacked out the entire NAME TAG with the SHARPIE. She wears an ironic, happy shirt with a picture of lemons and the words, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Cut back and forth twice each between Adam and Sarah, neither saying anything. Bell Dings. Sarah stands up and walks away.

Adam:

Well, good to get to know you.

       

Karan woman sits opposite of him. Nuclear Engineer

Karan:

I’m Karan Troutman. What do you do?

Adam:

I’m a nuclear engineer.

Karan:

Me too! What’s your alma mater?

Adam:

I went to school in Russia.

Karan:

Wow. That must’ve been exciting.

Adam:

Not really. Moscow is a dirty place.

Karan:

I’ve never been.

Adam:

Good. You’re lucky.

Karan:

Would you like my number?

Adam:

No.

Karan:

But I’m a nuclear engineer. You’re a nuclear engineer. That must mean something

Adam:

It means we’re done here.

Adam reaches over and dings the main table bell

EXT. STREET - DAY

Adam pulls up to the curb outside Tracy’s house. Tracy comes out of the house carrying BOUTONNIERES. She has a dog keychain. Adam gets out of the car and opens the door for her.

Adam:

Didn’t realize boutonniere means “beautiful woman.”

Tracy:

Thank you.

Tracy gets in the car.

INT. CAR - DAY

Tracy’s eyes follow Adam. Adam gets in the car.

Tracy:

Thanks for the ride. My car got impounded.

Adam:

Impounded?

Tracy:

I planned a pretty wild party.

Adam:

Did you have midgets?

Tracy:

They’re called little people. And no. But I’m pretty sure there was a goat involved. I was a little worried I would’ve had to take a cab.

Adam:

Why’s that?

Tracy:

Last time I was supposed to meet up with a guy, he never showed.

Adam makes a pained face

Tracy:

Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll show next time.

Adam glances over at Tracy and smiles.

Our first read-through came in just under 5 minutes. Our second was more like 4:25. We decided we would actually like to shoot this one to give us practice doing over-the-shoulder shots. If it turns out, I'll share the video! In the script, the only thing we missed for 48 Hour Film was the prop - lemons - but we figured there would be plenty of opportunity for having lemons in the scene somewhere.