Now I Believe

I made it to the finals in The Iron Writer, and was greeted with the following elements:

A person born with red eyes
A poison dart frog
Pukwudgies
Three Stooges Happy Birthday Song

Here is the story I submitted, followed by the results and feedback.

Now I Believe

I heard the stories growing up, but if I believed them, I might have reached Hartford that day. I was in my Ford F-150, driving 75 miles an hour down I-91. The morning sun climbed the eastern sky, but I was already tired. I checked my eyes in the rear-view. They were red, as they have been since birth, but they were bloodshot, too.

When I looked back at the road, I was bearing down on some unfortunate blur of a creature. A porcupine? I had the vague notion of hoping it wouldn’t pop my tires. I expected to hear the impact any moment. Instead I was plunged into darkness and quiet. I rubbed my eyes and felt cold, worn stone instead of the warm, comfortable seats of my F-150.

“Wee baaaked yoooou aaaaaaaa birrrrrrrrrrthdaaaaay caaaaaaake…”

The high-pitched, sing-song voice echoed around me. I opened my eyes in time to catch motion to one side. I turned to see a little human figure with faintly glowing gray skin. He stood next to a table, on which was the small birthday cake he sang about.

“Iiiif yoooou geeeet aaaa tummmmmmmy aaaaaaache…”

The song went on in that high, childlike voice as he pushed narrow sticks into the cake. With the ring of sticks in place, he lifted the cake from the table and carried it toward me. Without even the slightest gesture, the tip of each stick sparked into candle flame.

“Aaaaaaand yoooou mooooooooooan aaaaaaaand grooooooooan innnnnnn woooooooe…”

My eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. He was close now, but only three feet tall, proportioned like a man, not a dwarf. He held the cake in front of me. The candles ringed a colorful black and yellow frog, a poisonous dart, its back glistening in the flickering candlelight.

“Dooooon’t foooorrrrrgeeeeeeeeet weeeeeeeee toooooooooold yoooou soooooooooo.”

The frog hopped away leaving a vacant, frog-butt-shaped space in the icing. The little man stared into my eyes over the burning candle sticks. As I watched, his eyes went from a menacing black to the same red color of mine, standing out against the gray of his skin.

“Maaake aaa wiiiish, deeeear, aaaand blooooow ooooout the caaaandlesssssss.”

The sibilant final word caught me up in the strange moment. I took in a deep breath to blow out the candles and was flooded with a memory from childhood. I had heard this song before! It was from an old Three Stooges routine, when television was black and white.

I released my held breath, blowing across the sticks, and everything changed. I was back in my truck. My eyes were filled with the bright light of morning; my ears heard shattering glass and crunching metal all around. The cake was suddenly my truck’s airbag exploding in my face. I was launching forward into it as my truck’s hood crumpled into the back of a tractor-trailer!

I told the State Trooper I was texting and driving, but this was one of many accidents along this stretch of highway the locals attributed to the Pukwudgie. Each year more knew of, and believed in, these dangerous tricksters. I didn’t believe before, but I do now!

 

Now for the feedback:

Judge 1

Story Arc 4 (If I could make this 4.9 I would)
Use of Elements 5
Grammar/Spelling 5

Possibly best use of elements, mixing the birthday song with an exploding cake that injures the driver. I liked the sibilant voice.

The ending was the single weak point for me. Not that every character needs to die, they don't. I simply enjoyed the other endings better. The ending made sense but was not as strong as "From the Journal" for me. It came down to a personal preference.

Judge 2

Story Arc – 4
Elements – 4
Grammar/Spelling – 4

No problems with the grammar or story, though I wasn’t particularly enthralled with either. Fantasy and magic is an ‘easy street’ and I also wasn’t taken by it that much. I had trouble connecting the main character with the element ‘person born with red eyes’. If someone had red eyes, they would’ve had problems integrating with society as a whole and this character felt too straight forward for that.

Judge 3

Well written, good flow to the story.

Story Arc 5
Use of Elements 5
Grammar/Spelling 5

 

Overall I came in second, which is pretty good in my opinion given that this was the finals for the year. It was quite enjoyable, though I think my time with the Iron Writers is at an end for now. It's not because of the judges, the challenges, the feedback, any of that. It's because the organizer decided to go with 100% popular vote to determine a winner, and I don't feel like bothering my Facebook friends that much. I also think the popular vote has nothing to do with the quality of the story, whereas with judges, there is at least some relationship between them.

On the other hand, one of the judges for this contest said "magic" (and fantasy) is an 'easy street' in a challenge where one of the elements wields magic. The other talked about the sibilant voice, in the sense that he liked it, but the sibilance was the last "s" on "candles" which led to the explosion. It was the fuse on the cake.

Either way, though, I think my time with The Iron Writer did improve my writing a bit, and got me to think about revising other work. More to come on that later.